I’ve been struggling. I knew this wasn’t going to be easy but I don’t think that I expected this.
What I learned last time in my journey is that weight loss, at least for me, is mostly in my head. It’s more of an emotional journey than a physical one. It can only happen when I’m changing on the inside. As much as I already knew this since I’ve had success in the past and already formed this exact conclusion, I think I expected this restart to be easier. Way easier. It’s just rough. I can’t stop beating myself up. Expecting more from myself. Thinking I should have lost more weight or done more exercise or eaten less. I’m so incredibly frustrated because I am expecting myself to be further along in my journey than I already am. I don’t think I realised how far back I had plummeted.
The difference this time is that no matter what, I’m just going to keep at it.
I went on a 2 day vacation to a beach house a few days ago. My husband and I shared a small cabin with another couple. I didn’t enjoy myself as much as I should have because I was too busy beating myself up and thinking about my weight. I’m more self conscious than I was when I was even heavier than I am now. I kept bringing it up to my husband and I’m sure it’s not fun to hear someone complaining about their weight and how much they absolutely loathe themselves while you’re trying to enjoy your vacation. As much as he loves me, there’s only so many times he can reassure me before he’s just over it.
I did have a pretty nice time, though. I went swimming a lot and we went on a lot of walks. I swam for hours and hours on both days and on the second day we went for a long walk that took about 40 minutes each way and entailed climbing over rocks.
The most important thing to me was that Josh got to hang out with his best friend who he hasn’t seen in 6 years. He lives in Switzerland right now and between us living in America for 4 years and then him getting his job in Switzerland, it was nearly impossible for them to see each other for so long.
I was selfish during our trip. I should have spent the time doing some self reflection and thinking while in such a beautiful place instead of outwardly complaining to my poor husband who was just trying to enjoy himself. I was rewarded with one of the nastiest sunburns I’ve probably ever had, though. I’ve been unable to work out since I got back because I can barely even move. So I’ve decided to suck it up and be positive. Instead of letting the sunburn thwart me and negativity the continue once I got home, I did what I could – ate right and tried to remain positive and not put myself down and complain out loud, at least. That’s step one.
I’ve got to take it one baby step at a time.
That’s what I’ve learned this week once I looked past my frustration.